🍂luca's thoughts🧉

Today in my morning class there was a sliver of sunlight coming in from in between the blackout curtains and it hit my hand as I was writing, Feeling the warmth of the sun was a lovely feeling.

Later, as I was looking out the window during my 6pm class, I saw three white butterflies playing around in the field next to our building.

Today was a good day.

I want to rewatch Game of Thrones so badly

On a brighter note, I found some really cool music today :)

I miss my mum. I think a hug from her would fix me. Wish I could drive up to her right now. Maybe next month.

Maybe if I try my hardest and tell my professor the reason I couldn't study was me crying the entirety of the last two weeks he won't fail me when he sees my atrocious final tomorrow.

When I woke up today, the sun had not yet risen. And, later, when I go to the store, the sun will be long set. It is cold, they say it will be 28° today, for a change. Not a month ago the scorching sun made cement burn at 40°, but yesterday when I woke up the thermometer marked a single digit. Funny thing, time and the weather. Am I to long for the now gone summer? Am I to relish its memory? Spring will come again, that I know. But what about the lost summers? What about the autumn and the winter coming, only to melt in September? Am I to miss them before they're even here?

Not a month ago, I had to wear sandals to not be burned by the sand. Not 5 minutes ago, I had to put on socks and shoes to avoid the coldness of the floor I stand on.

How are humans supposed not to believe in Gods, rituals, spirituality, when so many of the ordinary things we do feel sacred? Sharing bread, carefully preparing a meal the way it's been passed down and perfected for generations, hanging around fire telling stories, performing songs in a way that makes the audience feel your emotions, taking care of the sick, kissing a partner, caressing a cheek.

The Holy isn't out of reach, something sacred, it's within all of us and within everything we do, if we dare look for it. I don't know if there's a superior being watching over us, and I don't think I ever will find an answer to that. What I do know is that there is a holiness to everything and everyone, whatever holiness means.

This city can be so cute when the sun's out and it's not a bajillion degrees and the trees are green and the birds are singing

Today we were driving through the park and I saw people walking along the old train bridge and some refreshing a bit in the water under it, the all the green green trees everywhere, the sun shining through the leaves, onto the people, onto someone taking their dog for a walk, onto a kid who could barely stand on their own feet, maybe even trying to take their first steps. Today was full of sunshine and love and happiness.

Really looking forwards to having 4 free hours on campus on Wednesdays and Fridays actually. Can do so many things like read at the study hall. Or listen to music on a bench. Or read a book by a window in any building I want. Or do nothing at all.

So proud of my parents. They separated when I was around 10 and even though it took them some time to find themselves, they both seem so happy now. Mum is winning races and running marathons and my dad is doing photography and taking pictures of the stars and planets and travelling the country and I'm so proud of them for finding something that makes them truly happy as they've gone into the second half of their lives.

Makes me hopeful and helps me reconcile with not having a thing that's mine. Also reminds me that there's so much life left to live. Many more things to try. Many more fails to take.

Hurting someone I love is, first of all, a constant lump in the throat, a hole in the chest, one of those rare, at least for me, physically empathic feelings; but when trying to rationalise it, to make amends, it feels like a double edged sword. I love them, yet I hurt them. Almost oxymoronic. If anyone else had done this to them, I'd advice them to get over with it, cut it off, but it's me holding the knife, it's my hands their blood stains. Maybe it's a question of self-empathy, I know I didn't mean to hurt them, but how can they ever be sure of that? I'm also left wondering how I can even be sure of that. Point being, trying to rationalise this dichotomy of "stay far from people who hurt you" and "don't push me away", and both branches stemming from the love I have for them, is so mind and heart breaking.

Had a bit of a short-circuit making coffee and forgot I've been 'microdosing' it for the past year and I cannot believe I used to drink coffee this strong.

Today's been colden than usual (max. temp was 16c) and it made me realise how much I miss my winter rituals. I missed opening the blind to let the warm sun in, drinking a hot coffee. Love summer&spring, but I think winter/autumn will forever be my favourite.

Receiving love and being surrounded by it and having love inside me to give to other is so strange when I don't know how to do precisely that, give it. I can tell people I love them, I can let them know I thought of them, I can make them gifts that show how much I care, I can spend time with them, I can hug them I can kiss them I can write odes and ballads and poems to them, yet it always I'm not doing enough, even when I'm let know I'm doing okay.

Is there an infinite supply of love to give? Does love not run out? I think that's what I expect it to do, tire my heart out. Is there an infinite ocean you can drop all the love you get?

I've heard the phrase "love is like a plant, water it too much and it will die", but lately it feels love is more like a forest, where overwatering makes it grow larger, and store it for the droughts.

I've learnt to realise someone calling themselves "healed" or acting like they're above other people for this supposed healing of the self is somewhat of a red flag. These people will not believe you when you tell them a truth that they disagree with. They will blame it on your trauma, tell you you need fixing for being in opposition to them and the realities they construct for themselves.

In my opinion, the Real Healing is the acknowledgement of the good and the bad parts of the self without the supression or denial of the latter. You can choose to be good and you can choose to act with kidness and compassion; but to do that without accepting that there are times when you're gonna be selfish, when you're gonna be bitter, when you're gonna be "a bad person" is a disservice to yourself.

It's always very odd to see people online pick An Issue and make it the only issue they seem to care about. Sure, it's an issue that should be discussed, but pick your battles. Especially when it's issues that do not impact the day-to-day life of people outside of the internet.

In my experience, you never really learn by reading the conclusions. Applies to everything. You can learn all the mathematical theorems out there, but you have to work them out yourself, see how and when and why they're useful doing actual math.

Same thing applies to life. I often see 'motivational quotes' online, whatever they're for, depression, anxiety, self-image, work life, anything.

You can read the quote, incorporate it into your life, write it down a million times, but it's not until you get to the breaking point that person reached when writing that you get it. And you don't even have to go through it yourself. Readers may know this. Each book I've read I've finished knowing a little more about myself, a little more about the life I want to lead, a little more me.

To be fair, I'm very selective with what I read. Maybe less than 10 books a year (something I want to change, since I've got over 50 books in my to be read pile), so it may be a symptom of that.

Second thought on this but I observed yet another thing. Ease-of-access to the subcultures or «aesthetics» via mass production (amazon, redbubble, wish, shein, etc) enables that disconnect from the Collective and the Individual. Dawned on me as I saw someone post their laptop covered in Hello Kitty stickers, and someone in the replies asked where they got the stickers from. I'm not trying to say this is reprehensible or a moral failure or any form of wrongdoing on the asker, but come on, they're Hello Kitty stickers. People were quick to point to Amazon, but the phenomena I'm interested in is the asking in the first place.

Tiktok's comments are plagued with people asking where they can get the exact same outfit the person is wearing. I don't mean to make an apology of gatekeeping(although I'm not against it), but I find it strange people just want to copy an entire outfit from someone else. What happened to inspiration, moodboards, taking-from and giving it your own personal touch? Pinterest boards no longer serve the purpose they once did, the images in my book-character-vibes now hyperlink to clothing manufactured via third world exploitation, instead of a real person(or designer)`s tumblr, instagram, twitter, facebook.

It's a weird age, man. We're all so lost trying to be someone else, some superior version we aspire to, that we forget that we are right now, that the future is nothing but the present to come.

I wonder if this decade is going to be one of the 'iconic culture' ones, like the 1920s, the 1980s, the 2000s. I was going to say they seem to come every 2 decades, but can't really think of anything 'iconic culture'-y in the 1940s (maybe because half of it was during the war), and while the 1960s are also referenced often, it doesn't seem to align with the things we remember the '20s, '80s and '00s for.

I can think of a few reasons why this decade would make it, but at the same time I think they doom it a bit, TikTok is a great example of this. While it's shaped the way we communicate online humongously, it's also caused The Death Of The Collective a bit. What I mean by this is subcultures now have thousands if not millions of members, all over the world, but nowhere in the world at all. You'd be able to tell what someone adhered to by the way they dressed and where they hung out, but now everything is simplified into an aesthethic you wear in your bedroom to record a video.

The things you wear, the way you act, the way you wear your makeup, the places you go to are no longer representative of your affiliation to anything, they speak only of your taste, or what you want to project onto the world. Thus The Individual is born.

I don't think Individuality as this concept of non-association to anything is bad per-se, but it's something we've lacked up until the past few years. I wonder if this will somehow influence this decade's iconicity, for the worse or the better, for future generations, which in my (totally scientific, evidence-backed) predictions, is going to tend towards the homogeneity we once had.

Almond milk is actually really good. I'd say even better than cow milk. I don't know why I didn't like it when I tried it in 2020.

Finally a rainy day in my apartment when I can listen to a little bit of music while doing mundane tasks. Also happy new year

Salty golden butter is one of mankind's greatest inventions

Was listening to music a bit too loud to realise it's raining heavily outside. Lesson learned. Unplug the headphones.

I do not understand how some people manage to average 10 screen time hours. That's just like, 6 hours you're not on your phone

Realized I have seasonal little treats. During winter/cold season it's doritos and during the summer it's icecream. Just a little thing I noticed while eating icecream and doing homework

Need Thimothée Chalamet so badly

Golden oreos are really not all people hyped them up to be

Today in complex variable class we learnt (a very brief mention) about synths and how they work, and that has actually given me inspiration to study. Who would've imagined being engaged and interested in what you're learning motivates you to learn. Not me!

Wanted to make a proposal to my uni's radio to have a show but the limit is Nov 28 and I also need 2 other people like wtf...

I got twitter limited for telling elon musk to kill himself (as a joke!) and calling him a faggot (as a joke!) for a week..

Obsessed with this song again

It's very weird to think about how other hominids are our evolutionary siblings when looking at videos of them. Like, that silly monkey on a tiktok is one of the only things evolutionarily close to us. Not aware of what prompted our genetic ancestors to become homo sapiens sapiens or if there's even a remote chance other hominids become "intelligent sentient lifeforms", but it's something I think about when I see silly little monkeys on tiktok acting a bit too similar to a human baby. There's great lengths separating our species but there's also not.

HotD season finale had my jaw drop until after the credits started rolling. Jesus fucking christ. Amazing show

Obsessed with how silly and goofy this song sounds, in a positive way. Like it just sounds like swinging your feet in the air. I love it.

Waiting for a package to arrive and unable to do anything else but sit here and wait

Jesus that HotD episode ending left me shaking. And to think there's only one episode left I feel sick. Need Season 2 NOW.

Spring/Summer turning into my favourite time of year is the most cliché character development and I love it

Absolutely love spring. Love it when it's warm and the sun shines and it's a beautiful day and something reminds you you wish you had stayed you can plan for a change in the weather and time but I never planned on you changing your mind

Sometimes I get FOMO bc I'm not as online as I used to be (a good thing!) but then I have moments like these where I see people saying/doing stuff I was 6 months ago and it's so weird

Professor was so shocked to see me at the exam resit LOL yes I failed sorry!

Need to be exterminated

Angel Baby greatest song ever created

Love spring. Love the smell of flowers in the morning.

We should be able to print GIFs

Girl just walked by talking in the phone saying "do you realise I'm doing awful in uni" LOL felt that

Started taking class notes using the Cornell Method I hope it's an improvement :-)

Started because I realised what I like the most about the books I like is how they have a little title on the side to mark important equations / concepts and also to give warnings/tips so why not use that in my notes

First day of spring :-)

One thing about me is I love spinning the revolving door at uni, I do no care if the side doors are open, I'm walking through the spinning doors of death.

Randomly remembered I touched troye sivan's right shoulder once

I don't want people to cry when I die. I want them to wonder how different their life would've been like if I hadn't been on it, and for them to be unable to imagine a clear picture. I want to be indelible. Whether a beautiful drawing or a colossal ink stain doesn't really matter, it's something I have very little control over.

i'm an armageddonist (i'm in a constant battle between good and evil in my head)

Sending a voice note and half of it is just me saying "I forgot what I was gonna say" and laughing about it

I missed wearing shorts (winter). Which is weird because a few years back I didn't like them. But also a few years back I loved getting into the ocean but now I'd rather sit down and read by the beach. Love being mutable and everchanging :-) like actually

I miss the days when countries had different Internet cultures, some remnants still exist but nothing extremely different from others. The americanization of the internet is such a weird thing, especially when you take a deeper look and realize over half of the people you talk to are not american, yet they act like one. It's a bit ironic for me to say that when I'm writing in english but still. I find it odd we all just adapt to the americans

She script on my python til I compile

Love the concept of public transport. We as a society just decided to run buses and trains and subways and trams for whoever may need them. Like it's not because this specific sector needs them. It's for the use of everyone. I love it. Public transport is probably the only good thing humanity has done ever.

Classmate: Does the last integral converge or diverge

Me: Haven't done it yet but I can check your process if you want

Him: Sure

Me: Actually can you talk me through it

Him: [explaining] Oh wait I can't do that because X

Me: Right

Him: Thank you so much!

Me: Of course :)

I actually had no idea how to even begin solving it but all I got from that interaction is you don't even have to know what you're talking about to be smart and hot and sexy

Got a book from the library so old (84) the pages are yellow I love it

I was 17 when I heard seventeen for the first time ever (release day on a NZ vpn before going to class) and when I heard it live and I'm 21 now and those days feel like yesterday but it's literally been 4 years. I'll forever be dumbfounded by the passing of time

Sending a voicenote to my grandfather is so weird. Literally didn't know how to say in the middle of it. How does one talk to a 70 something year old man you see like 3 times a year. Literally just ended up laughing and telling him I should probably go to bed

Just had a really stupid realization. When we mix paint we're not making a new colour. There's not a chemical rection making a new colour. A new pigment. What we're doing is the equivalent of RGB but with way more pigments and in a microscopic scale and also completely different.

Can this book please stop giving weight in Newtons I'm going to murder someone

I'm always so perplexed when I remember there's mundane stuff happing at all times. Like someone found out they were pregnant today and it's the happiest day of their life. Someone died on a hospital bed all alone. Someone is reading a book. Like that's just baffling to me. Sometimes I want to be omniscient just because of this. I want to see the mundane.

she knew what she was doing when she made this

my uni notes that i will never look back on not being in chronological order: this bothers me i'll fix it

my apartment covered in clothes that i could very easily put back in the closet: this does not bother me

I will resurrect Lagrange and kill him again.

I wish websites were like books. Forever. And you would have to print out another edition to make changes. But the previous one would still exist. Idk why but that's just a cool concept in my head

Going over my class notes trying to summarize them and corroborating with the book and I'm amazed at the power of synthesis I had those mornings where I could barely stay awake

Got decaf for the first time ever. I don't hate it. What I'm not gonna hate is the lack of cortisol in my system from drinking caffeine.

My keyboard sounds so loud when I don't have my headphones on like it drowns out any other sound around me. wtf

Took a very long hot shower, now LDR is playing softly on the speakers and the birds are chirping outside. Life is good sometimes.

Came back home after being gone for a lil and I always come back inspired, but this time it's different, I left inspired, and came back assured of my goals, and with a bit more of a foundation to what I want, and where I want to be.

Guessing that the hard part will be figuring out how to get there, and reminding myself that paths are not necessarily linear, and sometimes hard to navigate. But that's fine. I trust myself to be able to sort through.

I have some ideas of what I want to achieve in the short-term (~6 months), which I believe will get me closer to my med-term goals. Some of those ideas include:

• decorating my bedroom (which I rarely set foot in, other than for sleeping)

• regularise my attention / cut down on "dopamine" drains

• start some form of media/content creation, whichever it may be, either to publish or keep private

• work on some tech projects even if I don't finish them

• read 2 books that aren't for uni

• find a perfume to make part of my personality

I want to make a game. I actually want to tell a story, and make pretty artwork for it. But I also want to interact with my story. So I guess I want to make a game.

I have so many tabs open I no longer know if what I'm looking for is even there

Been working on a silly remake of my website but it feels like my brain just dries up as soon as I open VSCode.

Why do I feel bad about not doing anything all day when I'm on HOLIDAY and supposed to do nothing all day.

Yassifying my laptop by making everything pink so the other STEM students fear me.

Lots of sirens going off and I got my window open to get the smell of burnt onions out of my apartment and they're SO loud it's making me nervous

We should bring back visualizers to music players. Incorporate them into physical ones as well. Add a projector and party lights to vinyl players. I don't care.

I love how every couple of days or weeks I remember this exists and just post the most insane shit ever and then disappear for another days or weeks.

I like minimalism not for it's lack of, but because it's easily done by people with no sense of what looks good. Some still manage to butcher the job. But it's still better on the eyes than a brutalist design that feels worse than getting stabbed with needles in your eyes. Not that I know what that feels like.

I also find designs that try to imitate something it clearly isn't, hideous. Unless it's a poster or some sort of graphic, then I guess it's okay. But books that try to look medieval with a print on a glossy piece of paper are horrible. Yeah.

Father listens to Lana del Rey and my uncle listens to Miley Cyrus and Lady Gaga (only the more rock-y songs). I'm being gentrified by my own family. Literally told my uncle Miley used to do Hannah Montana and he was shocked. Bring back manly men!

I'm so understimulated I need to be SHOT.

Was wondering why my coffee tasted like warm water instead of coffee. It's because I forgot to add the coffee.

Sometimes i have to take a deep breath and remind myself to not kill people (with words)

Waiting for a call. Phone in hand. I feel a vibration in my pocket. I reach for my phone. Wasn't there. Start looking for my phone. Phone still in hand. I'm looking it at it. Watching an insta story. I'm still wondering where my phone is. I think I'm going insane.

We should bring back book covers with no drawings or photos on them. Or at least let them not cover the entire cover. Let the picture or artwork be as if it were framed on a wall.

I know I've already said this here but Lana del Rey is such a great artist

Haven't said anything in here for a while. Kinda forgot to have thoughts.

salt smells really nice

forever shocked by the fact people can study with lo-fi / chill music. wdym you don't need fast loud noises to focus?

If you don't like Lana del Rey's music you're the problem.

Don't really feel like going to class right now. But I will. Just to talk to my professor for 20 minutes during the coffee break.

driving through the fields seeing, road under construction, wind farms on the sides, favourite thing ever

my one fear is forever relating to 'this is me trying' by dr swift

Lana del Rey might just be the realest artist ever

Sometimes I wish I could have conscious/lucid dreams as I did a few years back, I certainly miss the ultimate VR experience. I certainly don't miss the conscious nightmares that came with them, knowing it wasn't real but not being able to control any of the horrible things happening. Especially since I had to try really hard to wake up

Like I obviously have a voice inside my head as if I were speaking but inside my head. What I mean is that behind that voice (literally behind, top and back of the ears, I feel the voice from my nose to my forehead, but it can be moved around) is the Cloud. Between them are the "secondary voices" I can use to talk at the same time. Most times they're just playing random music, or random tiktok sounds. I cannot control that mostly. The Cloud does not necessarily communicate in words or pictures, but in a mesh of concepts. Concepts as in when someone asks you what a word means and you know what it means, you just cannot describe it, because it lives as a concept in your brain. I don't know or care if this makes any sense. If a psychiatrist or neurosurgeon would like to perform a biopsy of my brain I'll let you. In exchange for a lobotomy. Requirement can be waived depending on if the law allows for it to be performed.

Sometimes I feel like I could write 57 pages about something. Until I actually go do it. And I can't even write 6 words. Why must I think in clouds and not in just a stream of words like normal people.

Love playing dress-up. Look good for no good reason. Serotonin boost.

Professor told me I always have pretty nails and that I inspired her to go get hers done. She's giving me academic validation by passing me on my exams but she's also giving me validation by an academic. I like it.

Sometimes i think.

"they say she was seen on occasion pacing the rocks staring out at the midnight sea" is so me. I'm her. She's me. We are the same person.

love coming back to my hometown. it's so quiet. my mum just complained because the neighbours are talking too loud and it's past midnight. apart from that, only phones, nature and the occasional car in the distance.

This Love (Taylor's Version) song of a lifetime

me when the learning environment is optimal for my brain: woah i'm learning